Gather 'round my crusty vagina for some real talk about Abortion Solutions in this post-Roe world. If you are pro-life, you are probably thrilled, and if you're pro-choice, you are probably gutted. Pro-lifers, you played the game well and you won this round. But we respectfully decline to accept this restriction in uterine freedom. It's not 1973 anymore, so what does abortion look like in 2022? Here are some innovative and creative ideas for our post-Roe Future:
1. Uterus Transplants for Men
All politicians and supreme court judges without uteruses are now required to have a Man-datory Womb Transplant. Call 800-FREE-WOMB to claim yours today, arrives discreetly in the mail. Best of all, uterus arrives pregnant! We don't know who the dad is, it's either a pimply 14-year-old or your perv uncle... so ... good luck with labor! Operators ware waiting... and waiting... why doesn't anyone want this amazing organ?
2. Wearable Fetus Fishbowl
If a uterus transplant is not for you, wear your fetus on the outside! Wearable Fetus Fishbowl straps onto your belly so you can show everyone how fab embryo/fetus is doing without a uterus. Don't forget to sprinkle some Fetus Flakes in there to keep it alive. Also comes as a terrarium so you can keep your growing fetus on your desk in Congress. Doesn't Mitch look adorable? McConnell has always wanted a fetus to call his very own.
3. Artificial Uterus with Subscription Service
The fetus is free! The Mommy Subscription Service, however, is $5,000 a month because it includes includes hugs, kisses, snuggles, story time, swaddling, formula, diapers, sleepless nights, baby food, breastfeeding, doctor visits, projectile poops, spit-up, vitamins, a trillion trips to Target, dirty dishes, stroller, crib, clothes, shoes, day care, books, toys, shoes, soothing tantrums, reading, school lunches, lice, pinworms, vaccines, laundry, homework, more clothes, more food, PTA meetings, summer camp, sports practice, dentist visits, orthodontia, broken hearts, prom, screens, more trips to Target, meeting with teachers, driving lessons, saving for college, actual college... Payment plans available! Wait? Where are you going???
4. Abortion Guns
Who needs medical care you can DIY your abortion with an Abortion Gun? NRA approved! Politicians will do anything to protect gun rights, so it's a win-win. Also gets rid of the pesky meat body that surrounds the fetus. Ways women have ended abortion in the past have included inserting knitting needles into the vagina and drinking poison, so really a gun is quicker and more humane. Gets it all over real quick.
5. Mommy Jail
There are 3 million miscarriages each year, killing far more fetuses than the average 600,000 abortions in the US per year. We need to jail these terrible uteruses for killing fetuses! Put these moms in jail. Believe me, jail is a lot more relaxing than parenting, amirite, Moms?
6. I'd Kill for a Burger Right Now
Americans just looove being told what to do, right? Picture this restaurant scenario: Hi, I'd like to order a steak. Would you like the vegan dinner? No, I want the veal steak. A baby cow died for your meal – are you sure? Yes, that is sad, but I still want the veal steak. Meat is murder. The Supreme Court just ruled you can't eat meat. You’re having the lentil patty.
7. Every Sperm is Sacred
Did you know Jain is a religion against ALL killing -- including mosquitos? Jains even view uprooting garlic as a violent act. They also believe sperm to be a living being that should be protected, and that unnecessary emissions are killing living creatures, and it should be avoided. Sounds like blue balls for y'all!
8. Prostitution With Surrogacy Option
Every notice that sex workers don't offer a conception option? Well, maybe it's time to pull the goalie, bust out some DNA tests and hand out babies to the Baby Daddies. Every year, 7 million dads walk away from unwanted pregnancies. Next time, just hand that baby over to pops and let him enjoy fatherhood to the fullest. You know, you really should have abstained from sex, Dad.
9. Maternal Military Service
Mom’s job would score $100,000 a year as a paid job on the labor market (assuming childcare and cleaning). How are moms currently paid? We are not! We get paid in smiles, hugs and poopy diapers. If you tack on the cost of carrying the child (surrogacy is $100,000 per pregnancy), along with unpaid sex work (let’s say $500 per sex act because you’re fancy), mom should be pulling $175,000 annually (if she really puts out). Let Uncle Sam show mom the money for all her hard work.
9. Politicize All Medical Procedures
Did you know Jehovah's Witnesses don't believe in surgery? Pretend, for a moment, that the Supreme Court has suddenly swayed all Jehovah's Witness. That gallbladder you want removed? I'm sorry but... that gallbladder is a unique individual that deserves a chance at being a real American citizen. If it explodes on you, oh well. We need to protect the Sanctity of the Gallbladder. It's a good thing these politicians and judges can tell these poor senseless doctors how to take care of their patients' needs! Save the poor appendixes from being senselessly removed from that human being! That appendix deserves a voice!
10. Fight for Reproductive Freedom
Support the Center for Reproductive Rights Fight to Keep Abortion Legal with some retail therapy!
Cute uterus shirts to support legal access to abortion, 100% of proceeds benefit Center for Reproductive Rights.