October is National Liver Awareness Month so we wanted to make sure you knew the Five Fastest Ways to Destroy Your Liver:

1. Booze it Up! No fewer than ten alcoholic drinks a day will effectively shut down your liver, so drink up! Some of the most enjoyable side effects of liver scarring — called cirrhosis — include: jaundice, fluid retention and, for the gents, enlarged breasts and shrinking testicles. Simply replace water with vodka and you’ll be steps from total liver failure!

2. Have unprotected sex! When you wanna feel the love, be sure to leap into bed without a condom with someone who’s already got the Hepatitis virus — sex is the easiest way to contract it! Either A,B or C will do, but B and C are the most damaging, so try to catch one of those. Hepatitis is a form of liver inflammation that can cause fatigue, abdominal pain and nausea. The good news? Even if you develop a few pesky Hepatitis symptoms now, you can still develop actual liver failure later.

3. Overmedicate! Even overdoing it with Tylenol can cause acute liver damage. The liver’s processing power is mighty, but in large amounts acetaminophen can directly damage liver cells. Pop no fewer than 4 grams of extra-strength Tylenol to shut down your liver in just two weeks!

4. Shoot Up Drugs! Not be outdone by Tylenol, shooting drugs like heroin or methamphetamine straight into your veins is a faster and more efficient way to destroy your pesky liver. Not only do the drugs themselves harm and overtax the liver, but sharing needles could lead to Hepatitis B and C. Two for one special!

5. Eat like crap! Put yourself in the grave early by downing plenty of fatty sugary foods like donuts and deep fried Twinkies. If you eat a Krispy Kreme bacon-chocolate cheeseburger in a restaurant where the staff refuses to wash its hands, you could get your fat and some Hep A on the side (the virus lives inside an infected person’s poop, so it’s most easily contracted when someone doesn’t wash hands after using the bathroom).

As you can see, you have to put in a little extra effort to destroy you liver. But if you work hard at the drugs and drinking, you can do it! You won’t live long without your liver, so once your liver is on the fritz, you can join the tens of thousands of people waiting for years for a liver transplant. Be sure to avoid regular exercise, don’t eat vegetables, don’t drink plenty of water, and most of all, stay away from your doctor!